April 2002

April 26, 2002


Elexa and I went to Mocambo yesterday to see Babslei, a Russian girl ska band and Harwath, the band Lasse (from the Media Lab) plays drums in. The gig started two hours late but it was definitely worth the wait.

The first band, Shistavich, was excellent, reminding me a little of First Floor Power, though I’m at a loss as to categorize the band any better than that. Harwath was, to tell the truth a pain. They were pretty good, but I can’t say I like proto punk rock (think early Pelle Miljoona)—especially at one AM on a school night.

Babslei, however, blew the bank. They were so good, so enthralling, that Elexa and I couldn’t believe it. Elexa said she didn’t know that people could perform like that. The lead singer especially, dressed only in a red caftan, was perhaps the most charismatic singer I’ve ever seen. I love Russians.

It’s weird to think that Titanic’s distress signal is now over 90 light years away in outer space.


April 25, 2002

Of girlfriends, old and new

I’ve started getting zits on my forehead again and I don’t quite understand why. Could it be that since I’ve started working out at the Kisahalli gym with Jyri my body has started producing more of some hormone that causes them?

Simo’s back from Ethiopia. We’ve been talking a lot about girls, relationships and break-ups. Simo saw his latest ex (and the first girl to dump him, which is always significant) yesterday. He still has the hots for her but he’s not sure if he wants the old flame to be rekindled.

What’s most interesting to me about Simo seeing Karkki (Karoliina) is that ’s a friend of Milja, whom I spent two thirds of lukio admiring from afar. A chance meeting would be quite welcome, though I doubt anything could come from it. I don’t have any illusions of my flirting-when-it-counts skills, and even so, it’s just too soon.


April 18, 2002


Overflowing sap. Overbearing melancholy. I want to consume anything—everything—to make it go away. There’s no way out but time (I hope). I don’t want to turn back but I can’t stand (it) here.

“Over-dramatic,” she said.

Just make it go away.


Not sore

I’m not sore from yesterday’s workout at Kisahalli with Jyri. And I wasn’t sore after Monday’s workout, either. I guess I’m not working hard enough.

It’s rather discouraging to see the other people at Kisahalli working out. They’re all huge and bulky. I don’t want to look like them.

Today I go running? Or do the laundry? Oh, the joys of my life!


April 17, 2002

So this is closure, huh?

The last two nights I’ve been dreaming rather actively and talking in my sleep. I remember dreaming of Anna-Maija (she was only fooling about being pregnant), Marina (she’d left “Hassan” and was staying in Finland) and Misu (she spent the night but I offered to make a bed on the couch for her).

Misu and I met today and finally had our big “after the breakup’ conversation. She'd had “fun,” as she put it, and felt bad—unfilfilled—by it. I was hurt but I was able to get past my initial reactions. We talked and she said things that, in my opinion, ranged from hurtful to spiteful to untruthful (“you’ll be more alone than I will” / “you can’t feel anything” / “you’ll regret this the rest of your life” / “I don’t even like you anymore”). I called her on them, and she apologized, said she couldn’t help it. I can’t say I don’t know what she meant.

This evening clouds rolled in from the sea and I heard thunder in the distance.

So now it’s finally over.

Misu, I’m loathe to say this because I know it doesn’t help—and maybe you can’t believe me—but I love you. I think I always will. I cherish the time we did spend sharing our lives with each other. Never stop shining.

Who do I now have to share this feeling of emptiness with?


April 14, 2002

Three weeks after

Three weeks after Misu left me things got dramatic. She wrote all over my wall “take my back’ and other messages on that same note. Drunk, angry, confused, and trying to squash the hope I felt about the thought of being happy with Misu again, I ran outside. With only one shoe and a wine bottle, of course.

We ended up in the shower together. And all the while I know it’s a mistake. That I was fooling myself that we get back together; that anything had, or would, change.

Maria. She said I had no feelings. Funny one, that, huh. Anna-Maija said pretty much the same thing when we broke up. Under suspiciously similar circumstances. God, I’m so afraid that there's really something wrong with me. That I am incapable of feeling, of loving.

Why does it feel so bad?


April 11, 2002

SQL Server demo and a few tutorials

Microsoft’s SQL Server 2000 has a 120-day evaluation version available. And, for testing/development purposes, MSDE, costing, oh, nothing, works just like SQL Server (but you’ll need to install GUI admin tools from SQL Server, though).

And in case you’re wondering what to do or where to start with SQL Server 2000, Sitepoint has a nice friendly introductory tutorial.

More Sitepoint articles of interest: separating backends, frontends and menus; do you need meta tags; Fireworks for concurrent gif and Flash animation.


April 8, 2002

  • Now here is an excellent article on linguistic blunders in Titanic.

April 7, 2002

April 4, 2002

Dustbuster, Freewire, and attack-resistant trust-metrics

DustBuster is a tiny piece of software that cleans up unnecessary temp files. Only problem is that it’s incompatible with HP’s DLA and Real's RealONE. All the info given is that users with incompatible software should not use DustBuster. Nothing is said about what would happen were I to ignore their warning and use the software anyway.

Freewire is based on Limewire’s open source technology.

Oh, and both of those software links are from Kenradio’s daily software picks.

I can't believe I've never read First Monday!

This guy’s doing his Ph. D. on attack-resitant “trust metrics” (think Advogato, Google’s PageRank) or something like that. Cool.