What are the moods that come over you all the sudden? Where do they they come from? And how come they feel so bad?
Misu came over about an hour ago. That's what set it off. Today's Friday and I was supposed to go out and have fun with Misu, Janne, Elexa and Anna, who's visiting from Tampere. Only now I feel so restless, bitchy and depressed. And I have no idea why I feel this way all of the sudden.
I think my foul mood is because I'm frustrated with myself. I've spent all week trying to create and don't have a thing to show for it. Nothing. Nothing but plans and false starts and mind-numbing surfing and nights with too little sleep.
I just made Misu dinner (an omelette) and did half of the dishes. Two "tasks" and both of them set me off ruminating and spouting angrily. Someone had eaten most of the cream cheese and sprouts. “Who's the fucking asshole who ate my food. 'Ilya, can I borrow some food?' they ask. What the hell am I going to say to that? No? 'Come on, Ilya, I don't have any food and the stores are closed...' they whine. So why the fuck didn't you go to the store when it was open?”
And the dishes, well, it's of course obvious what I was muttering about while washing them. “I'm the only one who ever does anything around the house. Taneli invites all his friends over and they use all the dishes and guess who's left to clean up...”
While the borrowed food thing is true, my bitterness about the dishes iss most definitely not true. I probably have guests over more often than Taneli. And Taneli does do the dishes just as often as I do. So my complaining is totally bunk. It's just how I felt then.
Why am I such a control freak? How come I feel like I need to have things my way? And how come I totally freak out when people don't do things the way I want them to?
I don't want to be a control freak. I know it's so dumb. I can see how pointless it is. And seing it all so clearly only makes me feel worse.
I get so annoyed by Markku or Janne borrowing my food. I try to justify it by citing how much everything costs. Or how annoying it is to discover too late that I don't have the food in the refridgerator that I thought I did. I do realise that I don't make my point very well when I try to explain how I feel. It sounds so stupid. And that I over-react so strongly makes me really mad. At myself. And then I redirect that anger on others even further totally clouding my point. Add to that that my "point" is so fucking insignificant at the first point!
It's an infuriating and tormeting cycle.
And I feel like crap.